Why did the Banana go the Hospital?
It wasnt peeling very well!
Why was the farmer laughing at the chicken?
Its Yolks were funny!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
What has four wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool?
Radish
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?
Prime mates
Can I dive in this pool?
It deep-ends
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why?
I guess Im a bit too slow
Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They always hog the balls
Dearest Math Its time to grow up and solve your own problems!
What did the sink tell the toilet?
You look flushed
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Im still workin on it!
What kind of cars do eggs drive?
Yolkwagens
Stop looking for a perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldnt see well
Why did the orange lose the race?
It ran out of juice
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together
I hate Velcro
Its a rip off
Why was the broom late to class?
It over-swept
What does nosey peppers do?
It gets jalapeno business
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
Loafers
How do you deal with the fear of going over speed bumps?
You slowly get over it
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9!
Im reading an anti-gravity book.
I cant put it down
Where do you learn all about ice cream?
Sundae school
Whats a ninjas favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers
What key is used to open bananas?
Mon-key
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just wanted a bit more space
I do not trust stairs.
They are always up to something!
What rock group has four men who dont sing?
Mount Rushmore
Whats Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
It really takes guts to be an organ donor!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, Its above you head
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed
What did the plumber say to the singer?
Nice pipes
I ate a clock the other day.
It was very time consuming
Whats a sea monsters favorite lunch?
Fish and ships
What do you call a fancy fish?
So-fish-ticated
What happens when a snowman is throwing a tantrum?
He having a meltdown
Where do math teachers go on vacations?
Times Square
Try the seafood diet if you see food you eat the food!
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke to you..
However, I changed my mind because you didnt like it
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the s
What do you call a fibbing cat?
Lion
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me
What did the nose tell the finger?
Stop picking on me
How does a lawyer say goodbye?
Ill be suing ya
Ill call you later...
Dont call me later, call me Dad
Dogs can not operate MRI machines but catscan
If two vegetarians get into an argument.
Is it still called beef?
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist
I have a clean conscious.
Its never been used
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A lamborghini
If you see a crime at an Apple Store
Are you an iWitness?
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, its tearable!
Where do boats go when theyre sick?
To the dock
What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese
I could tell you a joke about pizza
But its a bit cheesy
Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires an oink-ment
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
What is the difference between a mans wallet before and after kids?
There are pictures where the money use to be
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberque
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided in the sea?
Their crews were marooned
What is 90 degrees but covered with ice?
The North and South Poles.
My kids are blaming me for ruining their birthday
That is ridiculous, I did not even know that today was their birthday
I wish my gray hairs started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!
How do you teach kids about taxes?
Eat about 41% of their ice cream
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out so fast. Why?
I guess Im just a bit slow.
Air used to be free at the gas stations, now it costs $2.00. You want to know why?
Inflation
I wish my kids werent offended by my Frozen jokes.
They really need to let it go!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.
The next day she locked me in the cellar
Why does a husband lead a dogs life?
He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.
What did the sink tell the toilet?
You look flushed.
Why do peppers make such good archers?
Because they habanero
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldnt see that well.
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
Why are ghosts are bad liars?
Because you can see right through them
Shouldnt the roof of your mouth actually be called..
the ceiling?
The first thing Santas elves learn in school is their..
alf-abet
I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing
Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord?
HE thought he could socket to him
I told my doctor I heard buzzing
but she said its just a bug thats going around!
You can tell its a dogwood tree from its..
bark!
I once wrote a song about a tortilla.
But its more of a wrap.
I have a clean conscious
its never been used
My boss told me to have a good day
So I went home
A witches vehicle goes
Brrroooooooom Brrrrrooooooom!
Im worried for the calendar
because its days are numbered!
Whats a sea monsters favorite lunch?
Fish and Ships
Whats a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Hes a pain in the neck
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together
How did the telephone propose?
With a ring
Whats a golfers favorite drink?
A cup of tee
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing because they fast
Why cant you trust a balloon?
Its full of hot air
I bet Benjamin Franklin was SHOCKED when he discovered electricity!
Who has been spreading rumors?
Butter
Whats green with six legs and will crust you if it falls on you?
A pool table
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was the best in his field
How does a tree check its online accounts?
It logs in
What do you call a twitching cow?
Beef jerky
Why did the coffee call the cops?
It got mugged
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line
Why wont a cannibal eat a clown?
It tastes funny
How do you get over claustrophobia?
By thinking outside of the box
How do you get over a fear of elevators?
You take the necessary steps to avoid them
What happens to a cow during an earthquake?
It becomes a milkshake
Why do ducks have so many tail feathers?
TO cover up their butt quacks
Can you drop an egg on concrete without breaking it?
Of course you can, concrete is pretty difficult to break
Why do flamingos only lift up one leg?
IF they lifted both legs, theyd fall down
What did Microsoft Office say to earn your trust?
You have my WORD
What award did knock-knock joke inventor win?
The NO BELL PRIZE
How did the zombies body builder hurt himself?
He was dead-lifting
Why cant you tell a good joke about retired people?
Because none of them work
What has more letters than the alphabet?
The post office
Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
What has stripes and can kill you!
A prisoner in jail for murder
Can one bird make a joke?
No, but toucan
Why did you get fired from the calendar factory?
By taking too many days off
Did you see my new chocolate pillow?
It was pretty sweet
Do you want to hear a potassium joke?
K
Why are computers so intelligent?
Because they listen to their motherboards
Why did a Jedi cross the road?
To get to the dark side
Where do you keep all these dad jokes?
In a dad-a-base
Whats another name for a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso
Why cant the computer buy new things?
Because it spent all of its cache
What kind of music do all balloons hate?
Pop music
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-tain
Which cereal pays the bills?
Chex
Why was the burglar overly sensitive?
He took things personally
Why should you always knock on the refrigerator before opening?
Because you never know when the salad is dressing
Why was the fish wearing a bowtie?
Because he was so-fish-ticated
How do you track down Will Smith?
Follow the Fresh Prince
What do lawyers like to drink?
Subpoena Coladas
Why are haunted house party so cheap?
The ghosts bring all the boos
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill areas
Mom, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
No sun
Why are penguins socially awkward?
They dont know how to break the ice
Who runs Old Mac Donalds Farm?
The CIEIO
How do you help a frog when his car dies?
You give him a jump
Where did the pirate get its hook?
From the second-hand store
Why should you never make fun of a paleontologist?
Because you will get Jurass-kicked
What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
A yardvark
What do you call someone who wont fart in public?
A private tutor
Dont try to spell part backwards
Its a trap
I use to hate my facial hair..
But it eventually grew on me
I tried to watch The Never-ending Story
But I could not finish
I can totally see myself working in a mirror factory
I can do a lot of reflecting there
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a shop..
That can not be a coincidence
Whiteboards are the best
In fact you could say theyre remarkable
When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo..
I had to put my foot down
I used to think I was indecisive..
And now Im not sure
I wanted to share a vegetable joke..
But it was way too corny
Did you know you can hear your blood flowing in your veins?
You just need to listen varicose-ly
An old lady asked me to check her balance at the bank today.
So I pushed her over.
Someone said my dog was chasing them on bikes.
My dogs dont even own bikes
I use to work in a shoe shop..
It was sole destroying
Why do people always say age is a number?
Its obviously a word
These new corduroy pillowcases are making headlines!
What do houses wear?
An address
Where does a baby cat learn to swim?
The kitty pool
How do spiders know so much?
They learn everything on the web
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B
Whats Thanos favorite social media app?
Snapchat
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
I got so excited..
I wet my plants
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish
I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids.
Im a faux pa
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
Guilty
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That he was a little boulder
How do lawyers say goodbye?
Well be suing ya!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs?
A wonkey
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Dont wok away from me
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!
My printer is called Bob Marley..
Because its always jammin!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet..
But thats just nuts!
Whats the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
Live stream
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty
Dad, can you put the car out?
I didnt know it was on fire!
I decided to sell my vacuum
It was just gathering dust
So a vowel saves another vowels life. The other vowel says back..
Aye E! I owe you!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldnt see himself doing it.
Why dont oysters share their pearls?
Because they are shellfish!
What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?
Royal-tea
Whats a true definition of a surprise?
A shart!
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head
Do you know what the difference between a numerator and a denominator?
A short line
Within minutes, the detective knew what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
When the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted the milk in a bag, I always tell them..
No, I rather drink it out of a carton!
How many letters are there in the English alphabet?
There is 3 in the, 7 in English, and 8 in alphabet. So there is a total of 18 letters
What breaks yet never falls, and what falls yet never breaks?
Morning and night
What type of cheese is made backwards?
Edam
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi?
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra because it has so many black belts.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahaha
What did the pirate say when he found someone?
I sea you!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Hi Cliff!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
Where do ghosts play tennis?
On a tennis corpse.
What is the difference between deer nuts an beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50, but deer nuts are under a buck.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I hate Russian dolls, theyre so full of themselves.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Geology rocks
But geography’s where it’s at.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
I used to think I was indecisive
But now I’m not so sure.
I was going to procrastinate yesterday
But decided to do it tomorrow.
I always take life with a grain of salt.
And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
An orangutan, a gorilla, and a chimpanzee, and a bonobo got into a race car. Which one will drive?
The one who sits in the drivers seat.
Why do programmers in dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Whats a cows favorite animal?
A MOOoose
I never like talking to oceans..
its always so salty!
Someone broke into my convenience store and stole all the Red Bull in the refrigerators and on the shelves
I dont know how they can sleep at night
I see, said the blind carpenter.
Then he picked up his hammer and saw.
Did you hear about the butchers wife that backed into the grinder?
Disaster
Why do robots dislike their diet?
Bugs
Whats better than Paradise?
Three dice
Why shouldnt you let a toddler fix your car?
They have poor motor skills.
Q. Dad can you put on my shoes?
A. Im sorry Son they wont fit me.
What sound does a plastic surgeons clock make?
It bo-tocks
What did the two firefighters call their new baby son?
Ar-son
What did the drummer call his two daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
What did the mermaids use to wash themselves?
Tide
What happens to silverware after its replaced?
It goes to the old forks home.
Did you hear about the train whose video game didnt work?
Turns out he was on the wrong platform.
Do you know what they say about origami?
Its value is in creasing,
Did you hear about the Origami World Championship?
Its on paper view.
I used to be addicted to soap..
Im clean now.
Upset ex poured liquid cement in his ex girlfriends car..
Her lawyer said she has rock solid case against him with all that concrete evidence.
Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
They make no cents
I sell lemonade under a tree..
Its a shady business.
How do you end a circus?
You go straight for the juggler.
Corporal! I didnt see you at camouflage practice!
Thank you, Sir!
Can you tell me why your boat kept drifting all over the place?
Id rudder not.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be called a chicken sedan.
I had a power outage that lasted a week..
It was a dark time.
What would a cat say when it gets stuck in a box?
LET MEOW!
Why does Korea have more Christians than China?
Because China is easy, but Korea is Easter.
Why would the tooth fairy make a great detective?
Because she always finds tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What are frogs favorite snacks?
French fries.
My suduko addiction is bothering my wife..
Shes been giving me nothing but cross words.
How do trees do math?
They use a logarithm.
What do you call a gun that shoots salt?
An a -salt rifle.
Why do nurses always run out of red crayons?
They draw a lot of blood
I was promoted from a frigate captain to a submarine commander.
Ive sunk to a new low
What do you call a Jamaican porcupine?
Pokemon
My wife asked if Ive been picking my nose.
No, it came with my face.
My teachers told me Id never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I said just you wait!
How do you know when a baby is ready to be born?
When it runs out of womb.
How can you tell if a person is a kidnapper by their shoes?
They probably have white Vans
I am the first person to successfully weight a rainbow.
It was pretty light.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
Why did the drum take a nap?
Because it was feeling a little beat.
I heard the whole track team is out sick.
Apparently, they have the runs.
What did they sing at the deers birthday party?
For hes a jolly good fallow
If a bull gets caught in an electric fence
Does that mean he is charging?
Ive been in a rough patch lately. My friend keeps telling me, It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.
I know he means well.
Why do cats make such good bakers?
Because not only do they make things from scratch, but they are also good kneaders and good whiskers.
I use to have a thing for my lab partner at school.
We had chemistry together.
What do you call a duck for sale?
A product
Why do fat romans dress tight and slim romans dress loose?
Because their L is bigger than their XL.
I threw a tennis ball 5 miles and the dog retrieved it.
I know. it sounds a bit far fetched.
Scientists have discovered how to communicate with bacteria.
They use a cell phone.
I said it once and Ill say it again.
It
I have an escalator phobia.
Im taking steps to deal with it..
What do you get if you make shellfish angry?
Sore mussels.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
A cook combined alphabet soup with laxatives.
He calls it letter rip.
How does a vampire cross the ocean?
In a blood vessel.
What happened to the criminal contortionist?
He turned himself in.
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it around the house.
Why was the doctor working on the highway?
It needed by-pass surgery..
My math teacher said I was average.
But that is just mean.
I bought a knife that can cut through four pieces of bread at once…
It’s a four-loaf cleaver.
I finally stood up to the cheese that was bullying everyone.
He was such a Muenster.
Where does the sheep go to work?
At the baabaashop
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG! Breathe!! Breatheeeeee! (After catching his breath, he said, “I’m doing grape now, thanks”!)
My friend pulled some weeds and his hand turned red, puffy, and itchy. He asked me if he should get his hand amputated.
I told him, he should not be making any rash decisions.
Why did the dog jump in the pool?
Because it was a hot dog.
Why shouldnt you talk to a dragon?
Because conversations can suddenly get heated
I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.
It was spam.
I dont trust people who do acupuncture.
They are backstabbers.
When do you know its time to go to the dentist.
2:30 (tooth-hurty)
Whos the king of the toolbox?
The ruler
How do you cut tiny pizzas?
With Little Caesars
I just spent $1500 for a limousine with no driver.
I cant believe I spent all of that money with nothing to chauffeur it.
What type of fish goes well with ice cream?
A Jelly Fish
What type of income is the corporate bunny on?
Fixed Celery
What does Beethoven do in his grave?
He decomposes.
I invented a hook-up App for the visually impaired.
It’s called “Blind Date”
What do you give a pig with sore lips?
Oinkment
What kind of cars should you not watch movies in?
Any of the ones with spoilers
You know why you shouldn’t eat a comedian?
Not only do they taste funny, but they are also a joking hazard.
When you are trying to be cheesy…
But everyone around you are laugh-tose intolerant.
Some burglars stole all my lamps in my house
I’m actually de-lighted now
Do you know why honey bees can’t sit down?
They are too buzzy all day long
I tried explaining the definition of a palindrome to my wife…
But I got it all backwards!
What do you call a cow that survived an earthquake?
Beef Jerky
What does Batman call his grandmother?
Nana-nana-nana-nana, nana-nana-nana-nana
My optometrist tried a new therapy plan today with me and put ketchup in my eyes.
Apparently, Heinz sight is 20/20
Where’s the ideal place to create a cemetery?
At a dead end.
What did one sloth say to the other sloth?
I have no idea, he hasn’t gotten to the punchline yet!
How did The Flash meet his girlfriend?
Through a Speed Dating process
After weeks of failure and unsuccessful attempts, the sorcerer finally perfected his enchantment to make the rain stop.
It was quite the dry spell
My cousin almost drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant.
Why did Mrs. Snowman go to Wendy’s?
To pick up Frosty.
What do you call sad bread?
Sorrow-dough
Why did the two pirates get divorced?
They got into too many bad ARRRRRRRRguments!
What’s a hitman’s’ favorite store?
Target
What do you call 2 ninjas?
A pair of sneakers
I work as a tester for a blanket company.
I’m an undercover agent.
How much space should you give fungi?
As mushroom as possible
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in the crack
Cartoonist has been found dead in their home.
Details of the death are sketchy.
What state do automobiles love?
Road Island
Do you know your blood type?
I think I’m O, but I’m not positive.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
You know.. Raisin Awareness!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you in the corner.
What’s a pirate’s favorite subject in school?
ARRRRRRRt class
Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week
It runs until Friday.
Why did the t-rex need to see the doctor?
Because he was dino-sore
What is it called when prisoners take their own mugshots?
Cellfies
When they say it’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I guess you could say the weather is pretty ruff
I just bought two fish and called them ONE and TWO.
So when ONE dies, I still have TWO.
What did one DNA strand say to the other DNA strand?
Do these genes make my butt look big?
What do you call two cars in a garage?
Vrooommates
Stop getting mad at lazy people.
They didn’t do anything.
I got a new stairlift…
It’s driving me up a wall.
What kind of pictures are taken in the Arctic circle?
Polaroids for all those Kodiak moments
In my career as a lumberjack, I have cut exactly 8,438 trees.
Every time I chop a tree down I keep a LOG.
Dad, will you hand me my sunglasses?
As soon as you hand me my dadglasses, Son.
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word!
What did one candle say to the other candle?
Want to go out tonight?
Have you heard of the band 9,999 Megabytes?
No? Well, maybe because they are still looking for a gig!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Its OK, dont worry, the teacher woke him up.
Did you hear about that guy that got his left side mauled by a bear?
Hes alright now
I asked a bugler why they had called their crowbar Monkey.
They replied, Because its my pry mate.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?
Two animals in a baaaad moooooood
Know any good rope jokes?
Im a frayed knot.
Why does Waldo always wear a striped shirt?
Because he doesnt want to be spotted.
I had to take an airline to court over some missing luggage.
They lost the case.
What do you call a snake who doesnt wear a bra?
A nobra.
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
Stake
Whats a wizards favorite type of metal?
Cast iron.
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A r.i.p-off
I used to work for a circus
I was a human cannonball until they fired me.
A color-blind friend insists that all apples are yellow.
I told him that was bananas!
There was a fly buzzing around a cop. Why didnt the cop catch it?
Because thats what the SWAT team is for.
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldnt find the Droid he was looking for.
Why do actors say, Break a leg?
They all want to be in the cast
I was success at finally weighing a rainbow.
It was pretty light
Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger
How come nobody ever talks about the other four letters?
Never argue with left-handed people.
They are never right.
To whomever invented zero.
Thanks for nothing.
You know what the biggest problem with most of the cars these days?
Is the nut behind the wheel.
Where is the best place to eat Waffles on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
Ive never seen inside my ears.
But Ive heard good things.
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?
Smallpox
Anybody who wears eyeglasses is worthy of respect.
That is because they paid to see you.
My doctor told me Im at risk of heart disease because I eat too much sodium.
I took his advice with a grain of salt.
I had to get out of the trampoline rental business
There were just too many ups and downs.
I created a website for orphans
It doesnt have a homepage yet. Maybe someone deleted Parent directory?
Never trust a doorknob.
They will turn on you.
Whats the meanest part of a shoe?
Its their sole!
Alcoholics dont run in my family.
They drive.
Why did the Pepsi employee get fired?
He tested positive for Coke.
What do bears call rabbits?
Fast food.
Which dinosaur is the worst driver?
Tyrannosaurus Wreck
Orions belt
Just a big waist of space
I couldnt get rid of my Transformers at my garage sale.
They just had too much sentient metal value.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, but how the heck did they get in there?
I make bad science puns
But only periodically.
Did you hear about the free hotel meal that makes everyone poop themselves?
It was an incontinental breakfast.
I read a horror story in braille.
I could feel something bad was about to happen, but I could not see it coming at all.
If you are ever into love stories you should try reading them in braille.
They are touching stories.
I saw a chicken at the gym today.
He was working on his pecs.
I tried to date milk once.
It went sour really quick.
Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.
It could spell disaster.
I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 2 days.
The box said 3-5 years.
Did you hear about the man who invented the shrub trimmer?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
I bought a wig for $1.
It was a small price toupee.
Im with my therapist and I say, Im terrified of random letters!
My Therapist replies, U R?
Why did the 9 year olds stomach ache?
Because he over 8.
My Wife just stopped and said, You werent even listening to me, were you?
I thought to myself Thats a funny way to start off a conversation!
Wife: Would you still love me if I lost all of my hair?
Husband: Of course I would baby he replied
Wife: And what if I lost my ears, would you still love me?
Husband: More than ever Sweetheart
Wife: What if I lost both my arms?
Husband: Even if you lost both your arms, My Love!
Wife: What if I lost all my toes?
Husband: OMG, NO that would not be ok!
Wife: What!?!?!
Husband: Babe, you know Im lack-toes intolerant
If you are a farmer, how do you find a wife?
A tractor
Its true that Phillips heads have a lot of flaws.
However, you have to admit, the shape itself is a big plus.
I got pulled over for speeding.
The officer said, Whats your name?
I replied, Last name is Goman.
Officer asked, And your First name?
I said, Frida.
Officer said, So your name is Frida Goman?
I said, Thank you, Ill be on my way then!
I tried to remarry my ex-wife
However, she said no. She figured I was only after my money.
How do you kill someone with a paper towel?
Put a Bounty on their head.
I told a secret to my friend at my vineyard. By the next morning the whole town new my secret.
They said they heard it through the grapevine.
Who was bit by the cat?
Me. Ow!
Never go to a rummage sale with a ghost.
They go through everything!
Why shouldnt you have plastic surgery?
Because its rude to pick your nose.
How did the celery get so rich?
It invested in the stalk market.
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
I was apparently wrong about how bad my chiropractor was.
I stand corrected.
How does tropical fruit ask for a loan?
Papaya back soon.
What kind of meat product comes from the lower part of the leg?
Bologna
Why did the baker get laid off from his job at the bread factory?
Because he was a naan-essential worker.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
Yes, it can write other words too!
Why wont the sun go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
My inflatable house got a puncture yesterday.
Now Im living in a flat.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?
Hundreds of soles were unfortunately lost.
Did you hear about the dog who spent 2 days floating in the ocean?
He is a good buoy.
What kind of dog is allowed in an Embassy?
A diplomutt.
I was going to tell you a carpenter joke.
But I was afraid most of you wooden get it.
What did the snowman do when the sun came out?
He had a melt down.
What kind of music do bunnies like best?
Hip hop
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?
Hey close the door Im dressing!
What do you called a cold canine?
A chilly-dog
Why did the baker become a thief?
Because he kneaded the dough!
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tune-a- fish!
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
To Times Square!
Which animal is the least trustworthy?
Cheetah
What is a pigs favorite karate move?
A pork-chop
What kind of cars do Elfs drive?
Toy-otas
I was fired from the keyboard factory
They said I wasnt putting enough shifts
What is the worst nations in the world?
procrastination, assassination, abomination, hallucination
What is the best nations in the world?
imagination, urination, donation
I hate spelling errors. If you mix up two letters
your whole post is urined
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bisontennial
What is the difference between me and a calendar?
A calendar has dates
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch that its going to be me
Man, I wish I got paid to sleep
its always been my dream job!
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
I had to get half of my large intestine removed
Now I only have a semicolon
My hotel tried charging me $20 extra for air conditioning
That wasnt cool
How much money do skunks have?
I dont know, but I heard they are stinkin rich!
Whats blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
I went on a date with a woman from the zoo. It was amazing!
Shes a keeper
Two peanuts got into a fight
One was assaulted
I once had a job where I had to fill a giant helium balloon, but
I couldnt hold it down
Do you know why the guy bought a Ford?
Because it was the only truck he could a Ford!
I once got into a fight with a pile of dirt
It won by a landslide
My obese parrot passed away today
Its sad news, but it is a huge weight off my shoulders
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-oh-acid
An angry husband fills (now) ex-wifes car with concrete after she filled for divorce.
I hope she takes him to court for this. She has some undisputable concrete evidence.
Ive been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The Farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free.
However, the bull charges.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it was served warm it would be justwater
(just-ice / just-water)
We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the.
Minnie-apo-lis
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
Yesterday I ate my clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Where do Pirates buy their hooks at?
Second Hand Stores
I recently got infected with the Peekaboo Virus
It was pretty serious; I had to spend time in the ICU
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness
That came out of nowhere
What do you call a gender-neutral lactose intolerant person?
Non-buy-dairy
Stop worrying about your smartphone and TV spying on you
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires. So, I grounded him.
Hes doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Why did the parmesan go to the gym?
To get shredded
I wrote a book on how not to fall down the stairs
Its a step by step guide
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because its a little meteor.
This is my first week working at the bicycle factory
And theyve already made me a spokesperson
Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yoghurt and penicillin?
One side is probiotic / One side is antibiotic
NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens
They are calling it the Apollo G