Brain X Factor
Jokes: Dad Jokes

Jokes: Dad Jokes

Why did the Banana go the Hospital?

It wasnt peeling very well!

Why was the farmer laughing at the chicken?

Its Yolks were funny!

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

What has four wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

What vegetable is cool, but not that cool?

Radish

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?

Prime mates

Can I dive in this pool?

It deep-ends

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why?

I guess Im a bit too slow

Why are pigs so bad at sports?

They always hog the balls

Dearest Math Its time to grow up and solve your own problems!

What did the sink tell the toilet?

You look flushed

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Im still workin on it!

What kind of cars do eggs drive?

Yolkwagens

Stop looking for a perfect match..

Use a lighter!

Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldnt see well

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together

I hate Velcro

Its a rip off

Why was the broom late to class?

It over-swept

What does nosey peppers do?

It gets jalapeno business

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?

Loafers

How do you deal with the fear of going over speed bumps?

You slowly get over it

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9!

Im reading an anti-gravity book.

I cant put it down

Where do you learn all about ice cream?

Sundae school

Whats a ninjas favorite type of shoes?

Sneakers

What key is used to open bananas?

Mon-key

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just wanted a bit more space

I do not trust stairs.

They are always up to something!

What rock group has four men who dont sing?

Mount Rushmore

Whats Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

It really takes guts to be an organ donor!

Did you hear the joke about the roof?

Never mind, Its above you head

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed

What did the plumber say to the singer?

Nice pipes

I ate a clock the other day.

It was very time consuming

Whats a sea monsters favorite lunch?

Fish and ships

What do you call a fancy fish?

So-fish-ticated

What happens when a snowman is throwing a tantrum?

He having a meltdown

Where do math teachers go on vacations?

Times Square

Try the seafood diet if you see food you eat the food!

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke to you..

However, I changed my mind because you didnt like it

What do you call a funny mountain?

Hill-arious

How do you make 7 even?

Take away the s

What do you call a fibbing cat?

Lion

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me

What did the nose tell the finger?

Stop picking on me

How does a lawyer say goodbye?

Ill be suing ya

Ill call you later...

Dont call me later, call me Dad

Dogs can not operate MRI machines but catscan

If two vegetarians get into an argument.

Is it still called beef?

RIP boiling water.

You will be mist

I have a clean conscious.

Its never been used

Why were the utensils stuck together?

They were spooning

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

If you see a crime at an Apple Store

Are you an iWitness?

Want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, its tearable!

Where do boats go when theyre sick?

To the dock

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho cheese

I could tell you a joke about pizza

But its a bit cheesy

Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweet-ment and the other requires an oink-ment

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Cancel its credit card

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one

What is the difference between a mans wallet before and after kids?

There are pictures where the money use to be

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberque

What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided in the sea?

Their crews were marooned

What is 90 degrees but covered with ice?

The North and South Poles.

My kids are blaming me for ruining their birthday

That is ridiculous, I did not even know that today was their birthday

I wish my gray hairs started in Las Vegas.

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

How do you teach kids about taxes?

Eat about 41% of their ice cream

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out so fast. Why?

I guess Im just a bit slow.

Air used to be free at the gas stations, now it costs $2.00. You want to know why?

Inflation

I wish my kids werent offended by my Frozen jokes.

They really need to let it go!

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar

Why does a husband lead a dogs life?

He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.

What did the sink tell the toilet?

You look flushed.

Why do peppers make such good archers?

Because they habanero

Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldnt see that well.

It really takes guts to be an organ donor.

Why are ghosts are bad liars?

Because you can see right through them

Shouldnt the roof of your mouth actually be called..

the ceiling?

The first thing Santas elves learn in school is their..

alf-abet

I asked my dog whats two minus two.

He said nothing

Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord?

HE thought he could socket to him

I told my doctor I heard buzzing

but she said its just a bug thats going around!

You can tell its a dogwood tree from its..

bark!

I once wrote a song about a tortilla.

But its more of a wrap.

I have a clean conscious

its never been used

My boss told me to have a good day

So I went home

A witches vehicle goes

Brrroooooooom Brrrrrooooooom!

Im worried for the calendar

because its days are numbered!

Whats a sea monsters favorite lunch?

Fish and Ships

Whats a foot long and slippery?

A slipper

Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Hes a pain in the neck

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together

How did the telephone propose?

With a ring

Whats a golfers favorite drink?

A cup of tee

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing because they fast

Why cant you trust a balloon?

Its full of hot air

I bet Benjamin Franklin was SHOCKED when he discovered electricity!

Who has been spreading rumors?

Butter

Whats green with six legs and will crust you if it falls on you?

A pool table

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was the best in his field

How does a tree check its online accounts?

It logs in

What do you call a twitching cow?

Beef jerky

Why did the coffee call the cops?

It got mugged

How do you communicate with a fish?

You drop it a line

Why wont a cannibal eat a clown?

It tastes funny

How do you get over claustrophobia?

By thinking outside of the box

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

You take the necessary steps to avoid them

What happens to a cow during an earthquake?

It becomes a milkshake

Why do ducks have so many tail feathers?

TO cover up their butt quacks

Can you drop an egg on concrete without breaking it?

Of course you can, concrete is pretty difficult to break

Why do flamingos only lift up one leg?

IF they lifted both legs, theyd fall down

What did Microsoft Office say to earn your trust?

You have my WORD

What award did knock-knock joke inventor win?

The NO BELL PRIZE

How did the zombies body builder hurt himself?

He was dead-lifting

Why cant you tell a good joke about retired people?

Because none of them work

What has more letters than the alphabet?

The post office

Whats red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

What has stripes and can kill you!

A prisoner in jail for murder

Can one bird make a joke?

No, but toucan

Why did you get fired from the calendar factory?

By taking too many days off

Did you see my new chocolate pillow?

It was pretty sweet

Do you want to hear a potassium joke?

K

Why are computers so intelligent?

Because they listen to their motherboards

Why did a Jedi cross the road?

To get to the dark side

Where do you keep all these dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base

Whats another name for a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso

Why cant the computer buy new things?

Because it spent all of its cache

What kind of music do all balloons hate?

Pop music

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-tain

Which cereal pays the bills?

Chex

Why was the burglar overly sensitive?

He took things personally

Why should you always knock on the refrigerator before opening?

Because you never know when the salad is dressing

Why was the fish wearing a bowtie?

Because he was so-fish-ticated

How do you track down Will Smith?

Follow the Fresh Prince

What do lawyers like to drink?

Subpoena Coladas

Why are haunted house party so cheap?

The ghosts bring all the boos

What do you call a funny mountain?

Hill areas

Mom, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No sun

Why are penguins socially awkward?

They dont know how to break the ice

Who runs Old Mac Donalds Farm?

The CIEIO

How do you help a frog when his car dies?

You give him a jump

Where did the pirate get its hook?

From the second-hand store

Why should you never make fun of a paleontologist?

Because you will get Jurass-kicked

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?

A yardvark

What do you call someone who wont fart in public?

A private tutor

Dont try to spell part backwards

Its a trap

I use to hate my facial hair..

But it eventually grew on me

I tried to watch The Never-ending Story

But I could not finish

I can totally see myself working in a mirror factory

I can do a lot of reflecting there

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a shop..

That can not be a coincidence

Whiteboards are the best

In fact you could say theyre remarkable

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo..

I had to put my foot down

I used to think I was indecisive..

And now Im not sure

I wanted to share a vegetable joke..

But it was way too corny

Did you know you can hear your blood flowing in your veins?

You just need to listen varicose-ly

An old lady asked me to check her balance at the bank today.

So I pushed her over.

Someone said my dog was chasing them on bikes.

My dogs dont even own bikes

I use to work in a shoe shop..

It was sole destroying

Why do people always say age is a number?

Its obviously a word

These new corduroy pillowcases are making headlines!

What do houses wear?

An address

Where does a baby cat learn to swim?

The kitty pool

How do spiders know so much?

They learn everything on the web

What do you call a bear with no ears?

B

Whats Thanos favorite social media app?

Snapchat

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory

I got so excited..

I wet my plants

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two-knee fish

I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids.

Im a faux pa

Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?

Guilty

What did the shy pebble wish for?

That he was a little boulder

How do lawyers say goodbye?

Well be suing ya!

What do you call a donkey with only three legs?

A wonkey

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?

Dont wok away from me

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

My printer is called Bob Marley..

Because its always jammin!

I thought about going on an all-almond diet..

But thats just nuts!

Whats the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

Live stream

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth-Hurty

Dad, can you put the car out?

I didnt know it was on fire!

I decided to sell my vacuum

It was just gathering dust

So a vowel saves another vowels life. The other vowel says back..

Aye E! I owe you!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldnt see himself doing it.

Why dont oysters share their pearls?

Because they are shellfish!

What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?

Royal-tea

Whats a true definition of a surprise?

A shart!

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head

Do you know what the difference between a numerator and a denominator?

A short line

Within minutes, the detective knew what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

When the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted the milk in a bag, I always tell them..

No, I rather drink it out of a carton!

How many letters are there in the English alphabet?

There is 3 in the, 7 in English, and 8 in alphabet. So there is a total of 18 letters

What breaks yet never falls, and what falls yet never breaks?

Morning and night

What type of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi?

Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?

The zebra because it has so many black belts.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A Yamahahahaha

What did the pirate say when he found someone?

I sea you!

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?

Hi Cliff!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Where do ghosts play tennis?

On a tennis corpse.

What is the difference between deer nuts an beer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.50, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

I hate Russian dolls, theyre so full of themselves.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

Geology rocks

But geography’s where it’s at.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

I used to think I was indecisive

But now I’m not so sure.

I was going to procrastinate yesterday

But decided to do it tomorrow.

I always take life with a grain of salt.

And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

An orangutan, a gorilla, and a chimpanzee, and a bonobo got into a race car. Which one will drive?

The one who sits in the drivers seat.

Why do programmers in dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

Whats a cows favorite animal?

A MOOoose

I never like talking to oceans..

its always so salty!

Someone broke into my convenience store and stole all the Red Bull in the refrigerators and on the shelves

I dont know how they can sleep at night

I see, said the blind carpenter.

Then he picked up his hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the butchers wife that backed into the grinder?

Disaster

Why do robots dislike their diet?

Bugs

Whats better than Paradise?

Three dice

Why shouldnt you let a toddler fix your car?

They have poor motor skills.

Q. Dad can you put on my shoes?

A. Im sorry Son they wont fit me.

What sound does a plastic surgeons clock make?

It bo-tocks

What did the two firefighters call their new baby son?

Ar-son

What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

What did the mermaids use to wash themselves?

Tide

What happens to silverware after its replaced?

It goes to the old forks home.

Did you hear about the train whose video game didnt work?

Turns out he was on the wrong platform.

Do you know what they say about origami?

Its value is in creasing,

Did you hear about the Origami World Championship?

Its on paper view.

I used to be addicted to soap..

Im clean now.

Upset ex poured liquid cement in his ex girlfriends car..

Her lawyer said she has rock solid case against him with all that concrete evidence.

Why is it hard to understand volunteers?

They make no cents

I sell lemonade under a tree..

Its a shady business.

How do you end a circus?

You go straight for the juggler.

Corporal! I didnt see you at camouflage practice!

Thank you, Sir!

Can you tell me why your boat kept drifting all over the place?

Id rudder not.

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four, they would be called a chicken sedan.

I had a power outage that lasted a week..

It was a dark time.

What would a cat say when it gets stuck in a box?

LET MEOW!

Why does Korea have more Christians than China?

Because China is easy, but Korea is Easter.

Why would the tooth fairy make a great detective?

Because she always finds tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

What are frogs favorite snacks?

French fries.

My suduko addiction is bothering my wife..

Shes been giving me nothing but cross words.

How do trees do math?

They use a logarithm.

What do you call a gun that shoots salt?

An a -salt rifle.

Why do nurses always run out of red crayons?

They draw a lot of blood

I was promoted from a frigate captain to a submarine commander.

Ive sunk to a new low

What do you call a Jamaican porcupine?

Pokemon

My wife asked if Ive been picking my nose.

No, it came with my face.

My teachers told me Id never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I said just you wait!

How do you know when a baby is ready to be born?

When it runs out of womb.

How can you tell if a person is a kidnapper by their shoes?

They probably have white Vans

I am the first person to successfully weight a rainbow.

It was pretty light.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

Why did the drum take a nap?

Because it was feeling a little beat.

I heard the whole track team is out sick.

Apparently, they have the runs.

What did they sing at the deers birthday party?

For hes a jolly good fallow

If a bull gets caught in an electric fence

Does that mean he is charging?

Ive been in a rough patch lately. My friend keeps telling me, It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.

I know he means well.

Why do cats make such good bakers?

Because not only do they make things from scratch, but they are also good kneaders and good whiskers.

I use to have a thing for my lab partner at school.

We had chemistry together.

What do you call a duck for sale?

A product

Why do fat romans dress tight and slim romans dress loose?

Because their L is bigger than their XL.

I threw a tennis ball 5 miles and the dog retrieved it.

I know. it sounds a bit far fetched.

Scientists have discovered how to communicate with bacteria.

They use a cell phone.

I said it once and Ill say it again.

It

I have an escalator phobia.

Im taking steps to deal with it..

What do you get if you make shellfish angry?

Sore mussels.

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi.

A cook combined alphabet soup with laxatives.

He calls it letter rip.

How does a vampire cross the ocean?

In a blood vessel.

What happened to the criminal contortionist?

He turned himself in.

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it around the house.

Why was the doctor working on the highway?

It needed by-pass surgery..

My math teacher said I was average.

But that is just mean.

I bought a knife that can cut through four pieces of bread at once…

It’s a four-loaf cleaver.

I finally stood up to the cheese that was bullying everyone.

He was such a Muenster.

Where does the sheep go to work?

At the baabaashop

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

OMG! Breathe!! Breatheeeeee! (After catching his breath, he said, “I’m doing grape now, thanks”!)

My friend pulled some weeds and his hand turned red, puffy, and itchy.  He asked me if he should get his hand amputated.

I told him, he should not be making any rash decisions.

Why did the dog jump in the pool?

Because it was a hot dog.

Why shouldnt you talk to a dragon?

Because conversations can suddenly get heated

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

I dont trust people who do acupuncture.

They are backstabbers.

When do you know its time to go to the dentist.

2:30 (tooth-hurty)

Whos the king of the toolbox?

The ruler

How do you cut tiny pizzas?

With Little Caesars

I just spent $1500 for a limousine with no driver.

I cant believe I spent all of that money with nothing to chauffeur it.

What type of fish goes well with ice cream?

A Jelly Fish

What type of income is the corporate bunny on?

Fixed Celery

What does Beethoven do in his grave?

He decomposes.

I invented a hook-up App for the visually impaired.

It’s called “Blind Date”

What do you give a pig with sore lips?

Oinkment

What kind of cars should you not watch movies in?

Any of the ones with spoilers

You know why you shouldn’t eat a comedian?

Not only do they taste funny, but they are also a joking hazard.

When you are trying to be cheesy…

But everyone around you are laugh-tose intolerant.

Some burglars stole all my lamps in my house

I’m actually de-lighted now

Do you know why honey bees can’t sit down?

They are too buzzy all day long

I tried explaining the definition of a palindrome to my wife…

But I got it all backwards!

What do you call a cow that survived an earthquake?

Beef Jerky

What does Batman call his grandmother?

Nana-nana-nana-nana, nana-nana-nana-nana

My optometrist tried a new therapy plan today with me and put ketchup in my eyes.

Apparently, Heinz sight is 20/20

Where’s the ideal place to create a cemetery?

At a dead end.

What did one sloth say to the other sloth?

I have no idea, he hasn’t gotten to the punchline yet!

How did The Flash meet his girlfriend?

Through a Speed Dating process

After weeks of failure and unsuccessful attempts, the sorcerer finally perfected his enchantment to make the rain stop.

It was quite the dry spell

My cousin almost drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Why did Mrs. Snowman go to Wendy’s?

To pick up Frosty.

What do you call sad bread?

Sorrow-dough

Why did the two pirates get divorced?

They got into too many bad ARRRRRRRRguments!

What’s a hitman’s’ favorite store?

Target

What do you call 2 ninjas?

A pair of sneakers

I work as a tester for a blanket company.

I’m an undercover agent.

How much space should you give fungi?

As mushroom as possible

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack

Cartoonist has been found dead in their home.

Details of the death are sketchy.

What state do automobiles love?

Road Island

Do you know your blood type?

I think I’m O, but I’m not positive.

I’ve been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

You know.. Raisin Awareness!

What did one wall say to the other wall?

I’ll meet you in the corner.

What’s a pirate’s favorite subject in school?

ARRRRRRRt class

Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week

It runs until Friday.

Why did the t-rex need to see the doctor?

Because he was dino-sore

What is it called when prisoners take their own mugshots?

Cellfies

When they say it’s raining cats and dogs outside.

I guess you could say the weather is pretty ruff

I just bought two fish and called them ONE and TWO.

So when ONE dies, I still have TWO.

What did one DNA strand say to the other DNA strand?

Do these genes make my butt look big?

What do you call two cars in a garage?

Vrooommates

Stop getting mad at lazy people.

They didn’t do anything.

I got a new stairlift…

It’s driving me up a wall.

What kind of pictures are taken in the Arctic circle?

Polaroids for all those Kodiak moments

In my career as a lumberjack, I have cut exactly 8,438 trees.

Every time I chop a tree down I keep a LOG.

Dad, will you hand me my sunglasses?

As soon as you hand me my dadglasses, Son.

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office.

I will find you. You have my Word!

What did one candle say to the other candle?

Want to go out tonight?

Have you heard of the band 9,999 Megabytes?

No? Well, maybe because they are still looking for a gig!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Its OK, dont worry, the teacher woke him up.

Did you hear about that guy that got his left side mauled by a bear?

Hes alright now

I asked a bugler why they had called their crowbar Monkey.

They replied, Because its my pry mate.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

Two animals in a baaaad moooooood

Know any good rope jokes?

Im a frayed knot.

Why does Waldo always wear a striped shirt?

Because he doesnt want to be spotted.

I had to take an airline to court over some missing luggage.

They lost the case.

What do you call a snake who doesnt wear a bra?

A nobra.

What do you call a cow with 1 leg?

Stake

Whats a wizards favorite type of metal?

Cast iron.

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?

A r.i.p-off

I used to work for a circus

I was a human cannonball until they fired me.

A color-blind friend insists that all apples are yellow.

I told him that was bananas!

There was a fly buzzing around a cop. Why didnt the cop catch it?

Because thats what the SWAT team is for.

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldnt find the Droid he was looking for.

Why do actors say, Break a leg?

They all want to be in the cast

I was success at finally weighing a rainbow.

It was pretty light

Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger

How come nobody ever talks about the other four letters?

Never argue with left-handed people.

They are never right.

To whomever invented zero.

Thanks for nothing.

You know what the biggest problem with most of the cars these days?

Is the nut behind the wheel.

Where is the best place to eat Waffles on the beach?

Sandy Eggo

Ive never seen inside my ears.

But Ive heard good things.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox

Anybody who wears eyeglasses is worthy of respect.

That is because they paid to see you.

My doctor told me Im at risk of heart disease because I eat too much sodium.

I took his advice with a grain of salt.

I had to get out of the trampoline rental business

There were just too many ups and downs.

I created a website for orphans

It doesnt have a homepage yet. Maybe someone deleted Parent directory?

Never trust a doorknob.

They will turn on you.

Whats the meanest part of a shoe?

Its their sole!

Alcoholics dont run in my family.

They drive.

Why did the Pepsi employee get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

What do bears call rabbits?

Fast food.

Which dinosaur is the worst driver?

Tyrannosaurus Wreck

Orions belt

Just a big waist of space

I couldnt get rid of my Transformers at my garage sale.

They just had too much sentient metal value.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how the heck did they get in there?

I make bad science puns

But only periodically.

Did you hear about the free hotel meal that makes everyone poop themselves?

It was an incontinental breakfast.

I read a horror story in braille.

I could feel something bad was about to happen, but I could not see it coming at all.

If you are ever into love stories you should try reading them in braille.

They are touching stories.

I saw a chicken at the gym today.

He was working on his pecs.

I tried to date milk once.

It went sour really quick.

Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.

It could spell disaster.

I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 2 days.

The box said 3-5 years.

Did you hear about the man who invented the shrub trimmer?

It was cutting-hedge technology.

I bought a wig for $1.

It was a small price toupee.

Im with my therapist and I say, Im terrified of random letters!

My Therapist replies, U R?

Why did the 9 year olds stomach ache?

Because he over 8.

My Wife just stopped and said, You werent even listening to me, were you?

I thought to myself Thats a funny way to start off a conversation!

Wife: Would you still love me if I lost all of my hair?
Husband: Of course I would baby he replied
Wife: And what if I lost my ears, would you still love me?
Husband: More than ever Sweetheart
Wife: What if I lost both my arms?
Husband: Even if you lost both your arms, My Love!
Wife: What if I lost all my toes?
Husband: OMG, NO that would not be ok!
Wife: What!?!?!

Husband: Babe, you know Im lack-toes intolerant

If you are a farmer, how do you find a wife?

A tractor

Its true that Phillips heads have a lot of flaws.

However, you have to admit, the shape itself is a big plus.

I got pulled over for speeding.
The officer said, Whats your name?
I replied, Last name is Goman.
Officer asked, And your First name?
I said, Frida.
Officer said, So your name is Frida Goman?

I said, Thank you, Ill be on my way then!

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

However, she said no. She figured I was only after my money.

How do you kill someone with a paper towel?

Put a Bounty on their head.

I told a secret to my friend at my vineyard. By the next morning the whole town new my secret.

They said they heard it through the grapevine.

Who was bit by the cat?

Me. Ow!

Never go to a rummage sale with a ghost.

They go through everything!

Why shouldnt you have plastic surgery?

Because its rude to pick your nose.

How did the celery get so rich?

It invested in the stalk market.

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

I was apparently wrong about how bad my chiropractor was.

I stand corrected.

How does tropical fruit ask for a loan?

Papaya back soon.

What kind of meat product comes from the lower part of the leg?

Bologna

Why did the baker get laid off from his job at the bread factory?

Because he was a naan-essential worker.

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Yes, it can write other words too!

Why wont the sun go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees!

My inflatable house got a puncture yesterday.

Now Im living in a flat.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Hundreds of soles were unfortunately lost.

Did you hear about the dog who spent 2 days floating in the ocean?

He is a good buoy.

What kind of dog is allowed in an Embassy?

A diplomutt.

I was going to tell you a carpenter joke.

But I was afraid most of you wooden get it.

What did the snowman do when the sun came out?

He had a melt down.

What kind of music do bunnies like best?

Hip hop

What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?

Hey close the door Im dressing!

What do you called a cold canine?

A chilly-dog

Why did the baker become a thief?

Because he kneaded the dough!

What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar, but you cant tune-a- fish!

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square!

Which animal is the least trustworthy?

Cheetah

What is a pigs favorite karate move?

A pork-chop

What kind of cars do Elfs drive?

Toy-otas

I was fired from the keyboard factory

They said I wasnt putting enough shifts

What is the worst nations in the world?

procrastination, assassination, abomination, hallucination

What is the best nations in the world?

imagination, urination, donation

I hate spelling errors. If you mix up two letters

your whole post is urined

What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?

A bisontennial

What is the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch that its going to be me

Man, I wish I got paid to sleep

its always been my dream job!

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

I had to get half of my large intestine removed

Now I only have a semicolon

My hotel tried charging me $20 extra for air conditioning

That wasnt cool

How much money do skunks have?

I dont know, but I heard they are stinkin rich!

Whats blue and not very heavy?

Light blue

I went on a date with a woman from the zoo. It was amazing!

Shes a keeper

Two peanuts got into a fight

One was assaulted

I once had a job where I had to fill a giant helium balloon, but

I couldnt hold it down

Do you know why the guy bought a Ford?

Because it was the only truck he could a Ford!

I once got into a fight with a pile of dirt

It won by a landslide

My obese parrot passed away today

Its sad news, but it is a huge weight off my shoulders

CLICK IMAGE TO GO BACK TO JOKES MAIN PAGE