Brain X Factor
Jokes: One Liners

Jokes: One Liners

Why couldnt the pony sing a lullaby?

She was a little horse.

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words!

What did the limestone say to the geologist?

Dont take me for granite.

What did the banana say to the dog?

Nothing, bananas cant talk.

Where do polar bears vote?

At the North Poll

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

About a buck an ear.

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school.

Because she wanted to go to High School.

Whats the scariest plant in the jungle?


Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?

Because he had little patients!

What did the baby corn say to mama corn?

Wheres pop-corn?

Which days are the strongest?

Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days.

Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

What do clouds wear?


Why cant a bike stand on its own?

Its two tired.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper said, Why would you name a drink Charlie?

I tried to organize a professional hide-and-go-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find!

If a child doesnt want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Id never let my children watch the orchestra.

Theres too much sax and violins.

What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G.

What kind of music did pilgrims listen to?

Plymouth Rock.

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you are a mouse.

Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer?

She wanted to ice it.

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?

A dino-snore.

What do you call guys who love math?


Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Nevermindits tearable!

What do get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


I sympathize with batteries.

Im never included in anything either!

If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.

It will be a sadder day.

What did one ocean say to another ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you?

One is a cat copy and the other is a copycat!

What fruit do scarecrows love the most?


What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt?


What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?

An eggroll.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Why was the broom late?

It overswept!

Are you feeling cold?

Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

Apparently, you cant use beef stew as a password.

Its not stroganoff.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?


Not Dad: Are you alright?
Dad: No, Im half left

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name. (the)

Whats green and smells like red paint?

Green paint.

My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.

Its a boy and weighs 6 pounds, 3 ounces.

I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?


Whats the scariest plant in the jungle?


Did you know that if a piano falls on you, your head will B-flat?

Are black cats bad luck?

Sure, if you are a mouse.

Why didnt the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to go with.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

When you look for something, why is it always the last place you look?

Because when you find it, you stop looking!

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?

That hit the spot!

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?

A stick.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snowbank.

Why did the Easter egg hide?

He was a little chicken.

What kind of shoes do robbers wear?


My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I told him, That makes two of us.

Thats a pretty good ceiling.

Its not the best, but its up there!

Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

Guess the two of us arent going to work out!

I have a Russian friend whos a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

First, a tractor.

My favorite time on the clock is 6:30.

Hands down!

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

What is a computers favorite snack?

Computer chips.

How do you make a lemon drop?

Just let it fall.

Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one?

No, they both burn shorter.

What goes up but never comes down?

Your age.

Why did Rudolph get a bad grade on his report card?

Because he went down in History.

Where do you find cows without legs?

Where you left it.

What is the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The Turkey Trot.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters, I was hiding

She got mad and said shes never playing Scrabble with me again.

Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Ebay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12,186 matches!

I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.
She said, Whats that go to do with anything?

I said, That means its pasture bedtime!

Why does an Irish chef only add 271 beans to his soup? (In a thick Irish brogue).

Because just one more, would be too farty!

Host at restaurant: Do you have reservations?

Me: Yeah, but I still think we will eat here.

What is the biggest ant in the world?

An eleph-ant

What kind of bees live in the graveyard?


Why did the caterpillar go to the library?

He wanted to become a bookworm

Where is the best place to buy bugs?

At a flea market

What is an insects favorite game?


What is a mosquitos favorite sport?

Skin diving

What do you call two spiders who just got married?


Why did the insect get kicked out of the park?

He was a litterbug

What kind of bugs live in clocks?


What is worse than an alligator with a toothache?

A centipede with athletes foot

Why does it get hot after a baseball game?

Because all of the fans leave

Where in the baseball stadium do fans wear the whites clothes?

In the bleachers

Who is the meanest person in baseball?

The pinch hitter

Where do baseball bats get cleaned?

In the bat-tub

What kind of dishes do catchers use?

Home plates

Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd base or from 2nd base to 3rd base?

From 2nd base to 3rd base, because there is a shortstop in the middle

Why did the frog go to the baseball game?

To catch fly balls

What kind of of hit do you find at a zoo?

Lion drive

Why is a batter like a horse tail?

They are both used to swat flies

What kind of animal do you see at a baseball game?

A hot dog

My landlord texted saying, We need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back, Sure, my door is always open!

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?


Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

Why can you never trust an atom?

Because they make everything up.

What do you call a roll of bunnies moving backwards?

A receding hare line.

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza.

I guess I should have put in on aloha temperature.

I read a history of sandpaper recently.

The guy who invented it wasnt sure how to go about it but had a rough idea.

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

What concert costs only 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

How does an octopus go to war?


A man walks into lawyers office and asks, How much for a consultation?
Lawyers office responds, Three questions for $150 bucks.
Man replies, Kinda steep, isnt it?

Lawyers office responds, Yeah, now whats your last question?

When at night do parents change the most diapers?

In the wee wee hours.

Why shouldnt you play board games in the Savanna?

There are too many cheetahs.

I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page

No pun in ten did.

What is a rabbits favorite dance?

The bunny hop.

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

Because they always drop their needles.

What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Snow cones.

Who is not hungry on Thanksgiving?

The Turkey its already stuffed.

Whats big, scary, and has three wheels?

A monster on a tricycle.

Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lost yer first hand, ye get hooked.

Why are cats good at video games?

Because they have nine lives.

Why did snakes cross the road?

To get to the other ssssssside.

What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?

An udder failure.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

Why do candles always go on the top of the cakes?

Because its hard to light them from the bottom up.

What kind of water cant freeze?

Hot water.

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells.

What has five toes, but isnt your foot?

My foot.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

How do we know if a wave is friendly?

It waves back.

What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you!

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm!

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut.

How do scientist freshen their breath?

With experi-ments!

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because her mom and dad were in a jam

Why cant Elsa from Frozen have a balloon?

Because she will Let it go, Let it go!

What do you think of a new diner on the moon?

Food was good, but there really wasnt much atmosphere.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.

How do you call two birds in love?


Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken wasnt born yet.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

The public library

What animal is always at a baseball game?

A bat.

What falls in winter but never gets hurt?


What is a tornados favorite game to play?


Where would you find an elephant?

The same place you lost it.

Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because he wasnt greater than or less than anyone else.

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What has ears but cannot hear?


What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

Why didnt the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?

Because it had more cents.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me.

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?

Its roar birthday!

Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because its never right.

What is brown, hairy, and wears glasses?

A coconut on vacation.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because he was stuffed.

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

Blood hound.

What kind of music do mummies love?

Wrap music.

What do you get when you cross a ball and a cat?

A fur-ball

What happened when bluebeard fell overboard in the red sea?

He got marooned.

Why are fish so smart?

Because they live in schools.

What is a monsters favorite dessert?

I scream.

What is a cats favorite magazine?

A cat-alogue

What do birds say on Halloween?

Trick or tweet.

Anytime Im with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, Ill pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, Alright, thats the last straw!

Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believed its Pharaoh Roche!

I tell dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

I wanted to make a joke about leechees.

But it sucked.

Three guys walked into a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it!

A magician was walking down the street.

Then he turned into a grocery store.

I havent been to the gym in so long.

Ive gone back to calling it James.

Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants.

I hope theyre happy.

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents!

Dad: Someone among us is an owl.
Me: Who?
Dad: **narrows his eyes suspiciously**

What genre are national anthems?


Why do graveyards have gates?

Because people are dying to get in.

Why did the Basketball player go to the doctor?

Because it was having dribbling issues.

What do you call two 100-year old buffalo?


Whats the leading cause of dry skin?


Two satellites dishes got married.

The wedding wasnt all that great, but the reception was amazing!

Why couldnt Draculas wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin.

Why did everyone think Mr. Barkley was rich?

Because he gave ever kid who came to his door 100 Grand.

Where do college-age vampires like to shop?

Forever 21.

When my kids say, Can I ask you a question?

I reply, You just did!

What did the triangle say to the circle?

Your life has no point.

What do you call a programmer with a cold?


Do you know how to make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

What did the priest shout at the salad bar?


How did the pirate get his flag so cheaply?

He bought it on sail.

Whats a cats favorite color?


What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, Did you spray?.

Nah, it was solid!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I dont know what he laced them with, but I was trippin all day!

Whenever wed drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, You know how many people are dead in that cemetery?

All of them!

What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?

An investi-gator.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What do you do if you see a fireman?

Put it out, man!

I like the name Brie

But I know its a little cheesy.

Why dont vampire have any friends?

Because theyre a pain in the neck.

I dont buy Velcro shoes.

Theyre a total rip-off.

Why do we dress babies in onesies?

Because they cant dress themselves.

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry.

Im only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.

I dont know why. (Y)

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What condition does a noodle have when it doesnt feel its good enough?

Impasta syndrome.

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

Whats the best way to catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.

How do you stay warm in any room?

Go to the corner its usually around 90 degrees!

What goes well with a knuckle sandwich?

Hawaiian Punch! (Hurts Donut is another good one)

Why did the little girl hit her birthday cake with a hammer?

It was a pound cake.

Why dont elephants chew gum?

They do, just not in public.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying.

It seemed pretty important he gave it to me while he was dying.

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

How do you fit more pigs on a farm?

Built a sty-scraper

Why was Tigger looking in the bathroom?

He was trying to find Pooh.

Do trees poop?

How else are #2 pencils made.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten-tickles.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bull-dozer.

Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

What do you call a cow that wont give milk?

A milk dud.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

Why did the zombie skip school?

He was feeling rotten.

What instrument does a skeleton play?

The trom-bone.

What cat likes living in the water?

An octo-puss.

What should you wear to a Thanksgiving dinner?

A har-vest.

What do elves learn in school?

the elf-abet.

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

22 carrot gold.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?

A funny bunny.

I lost 25% of my roof last night.


Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old.

Those are the years youre in your prime.

What is the richest nut?

A cash-ew.

Why did the fruit salad skip its own wedding?

It had a lot of cant-elope.

What kind of beer wont get you drunk?

Root beer.

What kind of apples do computers prefer?


What has many ears but cannot hear?


How many eggs would a rooster lay over four weeks?

Zero. Roosters do not lay eggs.

What fruit never wants to be alone?

A pear.

What vegetable can you use to tie your shoes?

String beans.

What vegetable always loses in every competition, yet is a terrific rapper?


What fruit is friendly and likes to meet people?

A date

What do you call the father of all sodas?


What is the most deceitful fruit?


What vegetables grows eggs?


Which vegetable is always unhappy?

Bitter melon.

If twos company and threes a crowd. What are four and five?


After a train crashed, every single person died. Who survived?

All the couples.

What goes up but never comes back down?

Your age.

When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

Your fingers.

What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

IA penny.

What happens once in a lifetime. Twice in a moment. But never in one hundred years?

The letter M.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Shorter (Short + er)

What travels around the world but stays in one spot?

A stamp.

What belongs to you, but other people use it more?

Your name.

Whats black, white, and blue?

A sad zebra.

How can a leopard change its spots?

By moving from one spot to another.

Why cant a leopard hide?

He is always spotted.

What do you call a cat who loves to swim?

A catfish.

Davids parents have three sons: Snap, Crackle, and Who?


What has four eyes but cant see?


Where can you find cities, towns, shops, and streets, but no people?


What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

What is the capital of France?

The letter F is the only capital letter in France.

What always comes into a house through the keyhole?

A key.

What goes through towns and over mountains, but never moves?

A road.

What is the laziest mountain in the world?

Mt. Ever-rest!

What is full of holes but still holds water?

A sponge.

What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?


What is always in front of you but cant be seen?

A shoe.

What goes in your pocket but keeps it empty?

A hole.

What kind of ship has two mates but no captain?

A relationship.

What word is spelled wrong in the dictionary?


What question can you never answer yes to?

Are you asleep yet.

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

He was having a bad hare day.

Why shouldnt you tell an Easter Bunny a good joke?

It might crack up.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

What do you call a reindeer with bad manners?


What is a witchs favorite subject in school?


What monster plays tricks on Halloween?


What did the cat say when he fell off the table?


Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?


How does NASA organize their company parties?

They plan-et.

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

A meow-ntain.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a well-known six offender.

Why are relationships much like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?


My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore.

So, I said, Get it the care Babe, we are going to the petrol station!

Whats the best thing about Switzerland?

I dont know, but their flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician whos afraid of negative numbers?

Hell stop at nothing to avoid them.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once the next time you will be subtracting 10 from 90.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

Theres no menu. You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floorboards?

He was going through a stage.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Yesterday I saw this guy spill all of his Scrabble letters on the ground.

I asked him, Whats the word on the street?

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

What does a nosy pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business!

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it.

Why dont Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

Its two gross.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks.. Ill never part with it!

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

Curses foil again!

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.

What word rhymes with ORANGE?

No it doesnt

I waited all night to see where the sun would rise

..And then it dawned on me.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?

Because it was cultured.

What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?

A sand-witch.

Why didnt the skeleton go to school?

His heart wasnt into it.

What do you call two witches that live together?


What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny!

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Where does Batman go to the bathroom?

The batroom.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Why is it annoying to eat next to a basketball player?

Because they dribble all the time.

You know Orions Belt? Big waste of space, huh?!

Didnt enjoy that joke? Its ok, its only got 3 stars!

What type of breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

All types of breeds. Buildings cant jump.

How do poets say hello?

Hi, havent we metaphor?

Why did the M M go to school?

It wanted to be a Smartie.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived Hoppily Ever After!

What would happen if Whole Foods sold apple slices?

It would be false advertising.

Whats the key to having a great Thanksgiving celebration?


What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?

Its ROAR birthday!

What did the cop say to his belly button?

Youre under a vest.

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

Why arent koalas actual bears?

They dont meet the koalafications.

Rest in peace to boiling water.

You will be mist.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

SA chicken sees-a-salad.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.


How do you cool down a sports arena?

Bring in the fans.

What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?

A chew-chew train.

Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor at school?

It needed help figuring out all of its problems.

Why cant male ants sink?

Theyre buoy-ant.

What do Eskimos eat for breakfast?

Ice Krispies.

How do you make sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn’t peeling well.

What is the fastest vegetable?

HA runner bean.

What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

What do you call an elephant with no teeth?


What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?

A mouse going on vacation.

What do elephants sing at Christmas?

Jungle bells, jungle bells.

What’s the difference between a flea and an elephant?

An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can’t have elephants.

What’s the best way to catch an elephant?

Act like a nut and he will follow you anywhere.

What is big, gray, heavy, and wears glass slippers?


What type of monster eats the fastest?

A goblin.

What kind of nuts can be found in outer space?


Why did the sailor grab a bar of soap when his ship was sinking?

He was hoping he’d be washed ashore.

What type of bow is impossible to tie?


What do you call a sorceress who asks for lifts in cars?

A witch hiker.

What is red and white?


Why don’t witches wear a flat hat?

Because there’s no point in it.

Why was the doctor working on a highway?

It needed by-pass surgery.

Why did the robber have a bath?

So, he could make a clean getaway.

What did Cinderella say when she took her photos to be developed?

Someday my prints will come.

Can a shoe box?

No, but a tin can.

Where does your sister live? Alaska?

Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.

Why is it difficult to keep a secret on a cold day?

Because you can’t stop your teeth from chattering.

Why didn’t anybody take the bus to school?

Because it would not fit through the door.

Captain: We’re sinking! Quick, send an SOS.
Shipmate: Ok, How do you spell that?

Fruit flies like a banana.

Excuse me Waiter, bring me something to eat.  Make it snappy!

How about a crocodile sandwich, sir?

Which dinosaur always comes first in spelling tests?

A Tyrannathesaurus Rex

Did you hear about the theft of a van full of wigs?

Police are combing the area.

Why did the cowboy jump off the wagon?

Because he got stage fright.

Do you play the piano by ear?

No, I found it easier to use my hands.

Which vegetable is good at pool?

A Cue-cumber.

Why did the tonsils get dressed up?

Because the doctor was taking them out.

What do you call small rivers that runs into the Nile?


How do you get rid of a boomerang?

Throw it down a “one-way” street.

What do you call a flying policeman?

A helicopper.

What is a crocodile’s favorite game?


When do ghosts play tricks on each other?

On April Ghouls’ Day.

What do polite monsters say at mealtimes?

Please to eat you!

What medicine to ghosts take for colds?

Coffin drops.

What do ghosts eat at dinner?


Where do vampires keep their savings?

In a blood bank.

What does a mailman deliver to ghosts?

Fang mail.

Why did the biscuit cry?

Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

Why is a forest always full?

Because tree is a crowd.

Why did the boy throw his clock out of the window?

To see time fly.

Why did the banana go out with the prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

What race is never fun?

Swimming race.

If crocodile skins make a good pair of shoes, what do bananas make?

Good slippers.

What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?

An octobus

Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?

Because the Captain was standing on the deck.

Which sixties pop group kills all known germs?

The Bleach Boys

What do you give a sick bird?


What has a bottom at the top?

A leg.

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a car?

To the other side of the river.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of food does a racehorse eat?

Fast food.

Did you hear the one about three eggs?

Two bad.

Why did the egg go to the jungle?

Because it was an eggsplorer.

What do you call a mushroom who makes you laugh all day?

A fungi to be with.

What looks like a half a loaf of bread?

The other half.

What do music teachers give you?

Sound advice.

What is a pirates favorite piece of furniture?

Armchair or Armoire

Teacher: This homework is in your fathers handwriting!
Student: I know. I borrowed his pen.

What word is always spelled incorrectly?


What did the chicken study in college?


Why did the thermometer go to college?

To get some degrees.

10 + 10 = 11 + 11. How is this possible?

10 + 10 is 20 and 11 + 11 is 20 too.

How do bees get to school?

On a school buzzz

What do you call a flower that can not tell the truth?

A lilac

What do you say to a fancy cactus?

You look sharp!

What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

Spring time

Why cant you iron a four-leaf clover?

You dont want to press your luck.

What do you call a plant that roars?

A dandelion

Why do bananas need to use sunscreen?

Because they peel

Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

For a tweet-ment

What gets bigger the more you take away?

A hole

What lets you look right through a wall?


What 2 things can you never eat for breakfast?

lunch and dinner

Why did I throw the butter out the window?

Because I wanted to see butterfly.

What is 90 degrees but covered with ice?

The North and South Poles

What do you call a beehive without an exit?


If the mushroom was such a fungi. Why didnt they have the party at his house?

Because there wasnt mushroom.

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?


What did the hat say to the hat rack?

You stay here, Ill go on ahead

Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?


What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wreck

Learning how to collect trash wasnt that hard.

I just picked it up as I went along.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He gave out a little wine

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

Why does Santa work in the North Pole?

Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole

Why was the turkey the drummer in the band?

Because he had drumsticks

Why dont pirates shower before they walk on the plank?

Because they will just wash up on shore later

How does sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

How do ghosts was their hair?

With sham-boo

What does every birthday end with?

The letter Y

What position does a ghost play in hockey?


Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

To hatch-et

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Day-scare Centers

Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?


What wears a red suit and goes, OH, OH, OH?

Santa walking backwards

Why do turkeys always say, Gobble, Gobble?

Do you smell carrots?

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with a computer?

A pine-apple

What kind of photos do elves take?


In what year does New Years Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year

What kind of motorcycles does Santa like to ride?

A Holly Davidson

What do you get when Santa becomes a detective?

Santa Clues

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?

With a hare dryer

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group?

Just look for the gray hares

How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?

Lots of egg-ercise

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver today..

Turns out the customer doesnt like when you go the extra mile!

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had to fight and 2021

Where do you take someone whos been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing..

This is as close as I could get

Why can you never near a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars..

He came home to us as a seasoned Veteran!

The first French fries were not fried in France..

They ere fried in Greece

What did the horse say after it tipped?

Help! Ive fallen and I cant giddy-up!

Want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke?

joke, joke, joooooooooooooooooke!

Why did the salad go to the music studio?

To get some beets

What did the ocean say to the map maker?

Umm.. Im not shore

What do eggs do for entertainment?


What is round at each end and high in the middle?


Why did the girl smear peanut butter all over the road?

To go with the traffic jam

Do you know what kind of book you read that you just can not put down?

A book about the history of glue

So apparently it is illegal to laugh really loud in Hawaii..

So you need to do a-low-ha (Aloha)

What do a dog and a cellphone have in common?

They both have collar ID

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hushpuppy

Why do horses make bad dance partners?

Because they have 2 left feet

What do you call a cautious wolf?

Aware wolf

How do eggs stay in shape?

They egg-ercise

What can be both a weapon and a vegetable?


If a police officer pulls over a U-Haul..

.is he busting a move?

Why are robots never afraid?

They have nerves of steel

What do you call it when somebody get a steal of a deal on an automobile?

Grand Thrift Auto

Why was the cat running all over the neighborhood?

Because he was hy-purr

Im extremely sad because I lost all my blankets

Hopefully, I will recover soon

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

What do squished bees sound like?

B flat

If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant. What is on the outside of the fire hydrant?


What is the best day to eat bacon?


What do fish do to save on travel costs?

They carp-pool

How many beans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 can

What is a blind persons least favorite food?


What do you call a vegetable that is undercover?

An inside cob

Where do bees go to the bathroom?

At the BP station

How do you jump higher on a waterbed?

You use spring water

What do you call a sad storm?

A sigh-clone

Did you hear about the angry panda?

He eats shoots and leaves

What do you call a fast zombie?

A zoombie

Whats a snakes favorite school subject?


Which letter of the alphabet has the most water?


Why did the dog do so good in school?

Because he was the teachers pet!

Why do magicians do so well in school?

Because they are good at trick questions

Why is there not a clock in the library?

Because it tocks too much

Why did the jellybean go to school?

Because he wanted to be a smartie

Why did the bee get married?

Because he found his honey

Why do people say I have bad posture?

Im not sure either, but I have a hunch!

What is the tiniest virus in the world?